


my boyfriend is a vampire

by nagai



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Just Little Kaneki Things, M/M, tfw ur human bf wont stop asking if u are capable of pooping or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagai/pseuds/nagai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After over a year of dating Hideyoshi Nagachika discovers his boyfriend is, in fact, a vampire.</p><p>“So, like. Do you ever poop?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	my boyfriend is a vampire

**Author's Note:**

> screams for five hours

 

“So you’re a vampire, huh.”

It was said so casually that Kaneki wasn’t sure he heard right at first. “Huh?” he mumbled into his coffee. He took another sip then set his mug down, eyebrows quirked as he waited for his grinning boyfriend’s reply.

“You’re a vampire.”

Alright, he heard it _that_ time.

“Whaaat?” he deadpanned. Internally he was freaking out, because that was a well hidden secret Kaneki had been harboring for years now. After he was turned at the end of a really bad date with a really cute but nonhuman girl, he’d resigned himself to being a recluse. Hide wouldn’t let him though, and that was how they ended up rooming together despite Kaneki refusing to befriend anybody who wasn’t undead like him. It was less messy.

This was why. Hide knew, apparently, and Kaneki didn’t know how but he knew how this would end. Hide would leave, probably, if not now then eventually, and Kaneki wasn’t sure if he could handle that. Not this time.

“Yeah,” Hide continued, oblivious to Kaneki inner angst. “I figured it out. It was pretty obvious, I was just never sure until recently.”

“You sound ridiculous, you know that?” Kaneki didn’t like how his hand shook as he reached for his coffee again.

“I found the bloodbags, dude. Gotta say it’s admirable that you don’t drink from people like in the movies, though I’m not really surprised.” He approached Kankei, who was frozen staring at his coffee cup. “It just doesn’t fit you, the whole vampire hunting humans in dark alley thing.” He put his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. “Stop trembling. I’m not scared of you. Hey.”

Kaneki didn’t realize how much he was shaking until Hide kneeled down to kiss his forehead.

“You’re my little sexy vampire, I’m not gonna leave you.”

Kaneki let out a miffed bark of laughter. “Did you just call me your sexy little vampire?”

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“You’re a dork. You found out I’m a blood-sucking monster and you say it’s sexy. I can’t believe this.” He put his shaking hand to hide his eyes, though he didn’t bother hiding his grin.

“Hey, haven’t you read Twilight? That shits hot. I got my own Edward now.”

 “Oh my god.”

“Let’s just hope you don’t knock me up and have to turn me into a vampire so I don’t die after giving birth to our mutant human-vampire hybrid child.”

“Oh my _god_.”

* * *

“So, like. Do you ever poop?”

Kaneki gave Hide the most absolutely Done look he’s ever given.

“Seriously.”

“Yeah! I mean, I’ve seen you drink coffee but that’s it. You don’t eat anything but you suck down those bloodbags like nobodys business. So, like, does that mean you don’t poop?”

“Hide.”

“It’s a legitimate question.”

“No, it’s not.”

“This is for science, Kaneki.”

“Oh my god.”

“While we’re at it, how do you get boners? You don’t have a heartbeat yet you can get boners? It doesn't make sense. Do you use the blood of your victims to pitch a tent? Ugh, that’s kind of fucked up.”

Kaneki groaned and threw his pillow over his face. “Hide, we just had sex. Like, you came minutes before you asked if I pooped. What is wrong with you.”

Hide shrugged. “What can I say. I’m a scientist.”

“You’re flunking your bio class.”

“I’m a vampirecist.”

“That’s not even a thing.”

“It is now. I just made it up. Right now. Me. My thing.”

Kaneki rolled onto his side and frowned. His frown deepened when Hide rolled over to face him and grinned.

“You’re so stupid.”

Hide leaned forward to bump their noses together. “But you love me.”

Kaneki didn’t bother hiding his smile. “Yeah. That’s true.”

Satisfied, Hide pulled back but stayed facing his sleepy vampire boyfriend. A comfortable silence fell between them so of course Hide had to ruin it by talking.

“…So do you poop or nah?”

 

* * *

 

“Garlic pizza?”

Kaneki stared at the box and then looked back at Hide’s eager smile. He sighed and took a slice, looked Hide dead in the eyes, and took a huge bite. Hide’s face fell.

“Aw, shoot, so that means garlics a myth too.”

Kaneki swallowed.

“So is the inability to eat human food.” Hide sulked. “I was just gonna eat it then kiss you and see if you melted or not.”

“Wow, touching.” Kaneki put the pizza back in the box. “I can eat, I just don’t need to eat. There’s a difference. Food doesn’t really have flavor to us, and it doesn’t really serve any nutritional value, so the only time vampires eat it so keep up airs.”

Hide was quiet, eyes narrowed thoughtfully as he stared at the pizza Kaneki had bitten into, one hand resting on his chin.

“What now?” Kaneki dared to ask.

Hide looked at him, determined. “So that means you _can_ poop!”

 “ ** _HIDE_**.”

* * *

 

A choked moan left his throat as Kaneki ran his lips up his shivering human’s neck, pressing a tender kiss up his jawline to meet his lips. Hide wiggled closer, tossing his legs on either side of Kaneki so he could straddle his lap. He reached down to tug at his boxers, irritated that they were still on him while Kaneki was bare and ready.

“Impatient,” Kaneki said fondly as he helped Hide undress. He kissed him over and over, savoring the taste of his tongue and breath and just, Hide, and gently pushed him back onto the bed. Hide playfully threw his arms around Kaneki’s neck then wrapped his legs around his waist. Kaneki rolled his eyes.

“This is so not sexy.”

“It so is,” Hide said with a grin. He leaned up to peck his vampire boyfriend’s nose, then used his legs to pull him down so their hips met. Kaneki moaned. “Still not sexy?”

“Honestly, stop talking.”

“You love the sound of my voice,” Hide said.

“Only when you’re moaning my name,” Kaneki said, voice a low growl, and he rolled his hips against Hide’s.

“H-Hey, no fair,” Hide gasped. “You can’t use lines you stole from a porn.”

“I didn’t--“ Kaneki stopped, deciding to shut Hide up by just getting on with this sex thing already. He was hard and Hide was adorable and delicious and he wanted to be inside of him before Hide talked his ear off and got rid of the good mood. It had happened before. Last time Hide stopped in the middle to look at Kaneki’s boner and ask about the vampire blood thing again and Kaneki didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day.

“Hey,” Hide murmured, softly, and Kaneki knew he was done messing around because he only used that voice when he was really into it and ready to purr out sweet words rather than bad puns. “I wanna try something.”

Kaneki popped open the lube and looked at Hide curiously. 

“Uhh,” Hide said, biting his lip when Kaneki poured the liquid onto his hand. “I want you to…well…suck my blood.”

Kaneki froze. “What?”

 “Just hear me out.” Hide propped himself up on his elbows. “I trust you. You trust me, right?”

Kaneki nodded slowly. “Well, yeah, but that’s not the issue here.”

“I know, I know, but I was talking to Rize-san and--“

“What?” Kaneki squeezed his fist so hard the lube oozed from between his fingers, which was gross, but he was too angry to really care. “Why would you talk to her?”

“Don't worry, Touka-san was there! She was just visiting.”

Kaneki scowled. “And nobody told me.”

“Well, I mean, Touka-san figured you’d be this mad so she didn’t. Anyway, Rize-san told me a vampire bite is supposed to feel really good. Like, how a snake releases venom when it bites? But vampire venom is more like an aphrodisiac or something. So anyway, I figured it’d be fun to try. Besides, you’d like fresh blood, right? And, uh, honestly…I kind of want you to…y’know, to like…stake claim or whatever…” Hide murmured at the end, ducking his head. He was acting uncharacteristically shy.

Then again, he was saying some ridiculous stuff.

Rize aside, it did sound...appealing. Other vampires would smell Kaneki on him and stay far away. It would make Hide feel good. Warm blood, the blood of the boy he loved, was very appealing. Kaneki just wasn’t totally confident in his self-control.

As if sensing this Hide motioned Kaneki over. Hesitantly, he wiped his lube-covered hand on the sheets (they were getting washed later anyway) and crawled over to him. Hide pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then his cheek, then his forehead.

“I trust you. Trust yourself a little, too?”

That was how Kaneki found himself thrusting into Hide twenty minutes later, tongue on his neck as Hide let out absolutely filthy sounds. It was scary how good Hide was at persuading Kaneki. He could probably talk Kaneki into getting a centipede tattoo on his face if he really wanted to.

He grazed his fangs along Hide’s neck and felt Hide’s pulse quicken, heard his breath jump. “Okay?” he murmured as he thrust forward into him again. Hide moaned then nodded, raking his fingernails down Kaneki’s back as he braced himself.

Kaneki took a breath and kissed the wet spot on Hide’s neck, then slowly sank his fangs in--

 

and Hide passed out.

 

* * *

“Oh god don’t look at me.”

Kaneki stared, amused, at the ball of blankets that was his boyfriend as he hid on their bed in shame. He had woken up moments ago and immediately kicked Kaneki off the bed and dove under the sheets to whine.

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not only did I pass out in the middle of awesome sex, but I passed out when you barely broke skin! Am I wimp or what! God!”

“It was your first time being bitten by a vampire. I’m uh, sure it’s…normal?” Kaneki inched closer. “I’m sorry.”

After a short bout of silence Hide poked his head out from under the covers.

“Why are _you_ apologizing?”

“I knew it was a bad idea, yet I did it anyway, I just--“ Kaneki blabbered. Hide suddenly flew out from under the covers and tackled Kaneki. He kissed his face then held it in both his hands, his expression serious. 

“Shut up. It was my idea. You didn’t do anything.”

“But--“

Hide leaned forward and bit into Kaneki’s neck, hard.

“Ow!”

“There, we’re even,” Hide said, admiring the bite mark on his boyfriend’s pale neck. Kaneki couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up inside of him, and soon they were both in bed laughing together under the sheets, half naked and tired. They didn’t even bother continuing their sexy romp from earlier. Kaneki just spent the night kissing Hide’s neck until they both fell asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> im so bad at endings anyway u should comment on this fic so i can print them out & frame them on my wall


End file.
